I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
