nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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