You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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