shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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