I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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