DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
