I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
babies were throwing up all over the place
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
