I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How does one acquire holy water?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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