Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
