Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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