Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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