When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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