My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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