my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
