You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
