I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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