I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
