thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
