We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
