he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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