so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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