You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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