A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
