So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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