I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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