what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
