So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
