Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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