i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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