You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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