Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
