return my video game
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
