im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
