Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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