stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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