she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
