the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
