I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I need moral support for this bender
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
