party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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