I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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