Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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