I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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