Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
