My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
