He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
