Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
