Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
