She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
