All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
