Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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