That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
