My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
