I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
