The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
