i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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